Forum Foolishness Part 1

Was over on the Cracked.com Pointless Waste of Time forums when I saw this topic:

How would you rewrite the Star Wars prequels?

Here's the short version: Darth Maul survives all 3 movies with Anakin fighting him constantly while Maul just fucks up entire neighborhoods just because Anakin had lunch there one afternoon. Sound good? Read on...


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Episode I: The Phantom Menace


In the first movie, Anakin is newly graduated from Jedi School and Qui-gon Gin is his training officer. He takes Anakin on the rough beats of the galaxy, rousting the smugglers, smacking the Twi'lek hos, that sort of thing. Then Darth Maul shows up on Tattooine where Anakin is from, and he just proceeds to lay waste to Hammerhead because it seemed like a good idea at the time.

When Anakin and Qwi-gon show up, they find that Maul was after Queen Amadala (played so subtly by Megan Fox). Anakin and Amadala fall in love and Qui-gon tells him to put it away, the Jedi are forbidden to marry. You marry the lightsaber in this line of work.

Anyway, Maul continues his little campaign of serious ass-kicking and since Anakin showed up, has decided it is his mission in life to kill Anakin Skywalker. Not for any real reason, mind you, just for g.p.


Episode II: Attack of the Clones

Anakin's lover Queen Amadala has been killed by his nemesis Darth Maul. Maul blew up her ship or something just to piss off Skywalker. This gives Anakin that really cool "alcoholic burn-out" vibe that was completely missing from the series. As he descends into ever more violent methods when dealing with criminals, Qui-gon Gin (played so ably by Independent Spirit Award winner Danny Glover) tells Anakin he needs to calm that shit down, the Jedi don't just execute people without giving them a trial first.

Senator Palpatine keeps interceding on Anakin's behalf which totally makes him look like a cool motherfucker who understands that life in deep space is rough. Senator Palpatine seems like the kind of guy who knows that being a Jedi isn't all acrobatics and trade negotiations, it also involves a lot of serious ass-kicking.

This makes Palpatine seem really cool until we learn that he is the Sith Master and Maul is just his apprentice. (Oh, SNAP, bet you didn't see THAT coming!) Here's the kicker: Maul doesn't know it, but Palpatine has decided that Maul is too ambitious, and maybe it's time for him to be replaced. Anakin is more powerful than Maul, and almost as good a swordsman (Darth Maul will, of course, be using his trademark staff) he is also a lot more stupid. So Palpatine is working the two against each other, priming Anakin to get enraged enough to CROSS THE LINE.

The Jedi Council calls Anakin in and tells him that his behavior is getting out of hand. Yoda is getting seriously irked about all of this violence and craziness. Mace Windu (Samuel L. Jackson for the win!) finally gets pissed and tells Anakin "The Force, motherfucker! Let it guide you!" and Yoda just shrugs and says "Yes, truth he speaks, yo." To help Anakin get his shit together, they pair him up with this guy Obi-Wan Kenobi who is the same age as Anakin, but much more level-headed.

Then we find out that Amadala isn't dead! She is either a clone (bummer) or she really did survive the assassination attempt (fucking righteous), but either way Anakin gets some booty! She learns she is pregnant, but doesn't share that information with Anakin who is a bit busy with this whole Clone War.

Maul then smokes Anakin's partner Obi-Wan Kenobi (oh noes!!!!) and this really sets Anakin's teeth on edge. It's on, now...no more Mr. Nice Jedi.


Episode III: Revenge of the Sith

After Maul killed Qwi-gon in the 2nd movie, Anakin is a loose cannon. He doesn't know Amadala is pregnant, all he knows is his master is dead and Maul is going down! With Palpatine's help, Anakin learns how powerful the Dark Side truly is and how he can use it to destroy Maul.

What Anakin didn't know is that Obi-Wan, his partner, was secretly cloned by Palpatine to serve as the nucleus of his new Sith Lord army that would be taking over the galaxy after all the Jedi are wiped out by the Mandalorians led by mysterious assassin Boba Fett.

Anakin and Maul meet up on the lava planet where Maul has his headquarters. Palpatine gets Anakin to switch to evil and cut down Maul, thus taking his place. Unfortunately, right after he does, the lava shield goes out due to the battle and Anakin gets all burned up.

Amadala learns of Anakin's shenanigans and fakes her own death, hoping to raise her kids safely in hiding. It's while she is in labor that it is revealed that she is a clone and a poor one at that, she is slowly dying.

Vader doesn't know he has kids, doesn't know his love was still alive. And Obi-Wan doesn't remember ever owning any droids because HE IS A CLONE. He hides on Tattoine while Yoda hides on Dagobah, waiting for the day that the Jedi will rise from their ashes.

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Way better than that crap Lucas put out, if you ask me.